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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Survivor...

So I have been struggling a bit lately in life, at work, with teaching, defining my relationships/friendships, and such. I have been looking back at the lessons I learned over the last several years thru the trials and blessings I have experienced. I have been debating about sharing the story of my marriage, with the ups and downs, as well as the divorce, which is the toughest trial I have been thru in my life so far. I don't think it completely stems from the actual divorce, but from many of the experiences that took place during the marriage. Tonight I again made the realization that I am a survivor. This was made while watching some TV and a similar situation that was expressed on the show.

Hind sight is 20/20... I survived the death of my best friend, her younger brother (who was my adopted younger brother as well), my parents divorce at the age of 28. I have survived a relationship where I was emotionally, spiritually, verbally, and even physically abused. Now it wasn't like this all of the time. We had some great times together, but I realized that I completely lost myself, cut myself off from friends, activites that I loved, and family. I immersed myself in the relationship. I got up went to work, went to teach and came home to my husband, whom I loved and just wanted to be the best wife and give him all that his heart desired. I lost myself. I have since realized that the bruises from the poking, the 'tickling' and such were not signs of love. The bruises and welts have long since healed, but the emotional scares re-surface every so often, which they did this last week. I feel horrible. I got very upset with a very dear friend who has stood by my side thru deaths, my marriage, my divorce and other good and hard times. I feel like it was out of a bit of jealousy. This friend is in an amazing marriage, with a beautiful child and one on the way. She is having a bit of a rough pregnancy and was venting/stressing a bit. I told her that I would give anything to be in her shoes, a great marriage, children, a husband that loves and supports you in all ways and allows you to do the same for him. So, to this person, you know who you are, I am so sorry.

I also made the realization tonight, that I will have that one day, I know that without a shadow of a doubt. I hope and pray that I can let down my wall so that I can allow a special someone into my life. I will admit I have some trust issues, but I am also very aware of behaviors in my guy friends and the gentlemen that I date. I have been blessed with an amazing counselor, who has given me some 'warning' signs to watch for and amazing friends who have always stood by my side, even when I overstep my bounds.

Thank you to my family and friends for everything. Now life has been amazing as well. I have 2 amazing children from another mother, hundreds of students from teaching that I get to see grow and progress in many aspects of life, from college, to marriage to babies, I have seen Europe and places across the US, I have an amazing family and friends. I have learned lessons thru my experiences that I could not have learned any other way. I am grateful for all of these lessions and experiences. I too hope and pray that my past relationship(s) find that special someone who will make them happy in everyway.

I am going to be an Eagle and Soar!

2 comments:

Shelley said...

Love ya Anna!

Katie C said...

Seriously..... You are like an angel to me. Every time I start to get down in the dumps you do or say something that helps me. I love you SO my Anna dear! You are an amazing beautiful woman and the man who will be blessed to have you for all eternity is a VERY lucky man. I love you!