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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Two Years

What a crazy and wonderful two years! It was two years ago today that the judge signed my divorce papers and I became a single woman again. In looking back at the last two years I see how blessed I have been.

During my marriage, I became extremely submissive and gave up on a lot of my dreams and goals in life. The one goal which I never gave up on was being a wife and a mother. I have two of the most amazing children (babies from another mother) whom I am still very blessed to see and spend time with on a regular basis. They are two of the largest blessings in my life. It does make my heart ache to hear the challenges they are facing in life and the feelings the have towards people in their life. Children should not have to understand happenings in life at such a young age. I am amazed at their comprehension and understanding of people, their actions and their words. They have a deep understanding, much deeper that I think we as adults give them credit for. They have and understand their feelings and are very creative in their ways of expressing them. Michael and Sabrina are amazing and the best children! I love them with all of my being and am so grateful for them.

I originally was ashamed of my divorce. It is something I never wanted in my life. I always wanted to be married only one and to the man that we would grow together, love, and support each other. Spend time building each other up. Unfortunately that did not happen in my marriage. There were 25 months spent trying to make it work, changing myself so that it would work. I was very blessed to spend many hours in the temple, praying about what to do... then the answer came that it was time to leave... it takes two people working at a marriage and giving to make it work. It was time for me to leave the abuse. I think this was the hardest part for me. My ex was only physically abusive several times in the marriage and I was great at making excuses for it. The first time was 2 months into our marriage, when I ended up with two small black eyes and a cut across my forehead. He did an amazing job at justifying his actions. There was the bruises on my ribs from him poking me, the bruise on my shin from him kicking me... the bruises on my stomach from him 'tickling' too hard. Then there was the verbal, which is also mental and emotional abuse, and the spiritual abuse. I struggled with realizing it until I was able to meet with a counselor, read several books and made some tough realizations, as well as going back to a self discovery stage. I was great at making excuses for his behavior and even got to the point of blaming myself. It was a horrible place to be and I realized that now. I am back to my spunky, loving life and living life self. I am checking goals off my list and completing wants and wishes off of my bucket list.

I think that his family is great and amazing. I have enjoyed keeping in contact on a high level with his family. His mom sent me a very sweet letter, even stating that she was grateful that I had gotten out and away from the abuse. His sisters have been fun and amazing. I love seeing their children grow and have new experiences. His family are blessings in my life!

I pray that my ex can become the man that I saw in him, especially now that he is remarried to a woman with 2 children. I would hate for her to have the same experience I did and for her children to go thru a 2nd divorce.

As for things I have been able to do over the last two years...I am back in school studying Chemistry and Biology, working towards working in the forensics field or medical research field. School is challenging and I love it! I am still teaching dance and am back to being the Assistant Director of Southpointe Ballet company. I have been on a hot air balloon ride, I have returned to Disneyland with the kids, I have been to Europe and am going back in 3 months to experience more! I have met amazing men, who have treated me with the utmost kindness and respect. I have rekindled friendships and have become more social again! Life is amazing. I am so grateful for my trials and the lessons learned thru them. I am grateful for my blessings. I know that GOD is real and truly cares about each and everyone of us. He has carried me at many times thru the last two years and 9 months. My ex and I were separated for 9 months prior to the divorce being final.

I am grateful for Mandi(his first ex-wife) and our friendship. I love that we have become friends, after all we both experienced a very difficult marriage. It was very strange at first to sit down with her and compare our experiences with him. Our stories are almost exact, even from the phrases he used on us. She is a blessing in my life!

So, here is to another exciting time in life, to checking more off my bucket list, to finding my spouse, to starting a family, to living life to the fullest. Thank you to all of my friends who have been there for me in the difficult and sad times. Who have been there to lift me up and keep me going, to hold me back when necessary. I love you all and am grateful for you everyday!

2 comments:

Skinner Family said...

Thank you for sharing. That was a brave thing to do. If you and the first wife have stories to share, I pray too that the 3rd wife doesn't have the same things happen. (I'm sure you are doing the same thing.) You are an amazing woman!

Tanji, Jimmy Jay and Baby Taislyn! said...

Well said, Anna! We love you!!!